To Know Me as Hardly Golden

DAY 10

Just to clarify, this is going to me ranting and venting the entire time.

Ugh. It is all really hitting me today. Walkabout has not really been a walk in the park so far. I don't mean to sound like a brat, but I am frustrated that I have not started my internship yet, and I have nothing to do all day. Just sit around and feel cold, lazy, and unproductive. I don't want to feel that way, I want to do something, but what is there to do?

I really miss my friends. It hasn't really hit me until today. I miss Brendan, and Moira, and Phoebe, and the old Tyler. But everyone is doing their own thing and changing so quickly. I really hate that people change. I miss having someone to talk to in person. Big changes are happening and I don't want to/can't talk to anyone here about it. And the one person that I feel like I am becoming good friends with, I never end up seeing due to some random unforseen circumstances. Then I always put the blame on myself, and feel horribly guilty, like a flakey person. All I want to do is have someone there, or some social support again. I even wish I could go to seminars! I really could care less about some people, I don't feel bad saying that, but some people in this senior class I like to see and talk to, even if they aren't one of my best friends. I'd like to know what they're up to. Just little things about people I am really starting to miss. Man, I had it easy this summer/beginning of the year. People were awesome and lovely, and I was having so much fun.

Another thing that is really stressing me out is college. I don't know what college I want to go to. I don't really know what I want to do. I should have applied for scholarships a long time ago, which is really coming back to bite me in the ass now. And not to make excuses, but I was so incredibly busy this school year. My schedule was absolutely jam packed with everything you could think of, to be honest, I felt like I have taken on a lot more than most high school students have this year, so things like applying for scholarships got overlooked. Now, I am so sick of people badgering me about my decision; all it really does is make me want to ignore the whole situation all together, just push it far away. Although, I am a smart cookie and know that doing so will do nothing to get to the real problem. I think I will have to take advantage of this millionth blizzard this week and do some research and make a pros and cons list of colleges and such. Sounds like some fun Friday night plans to me!

Also, the parent situation has been eating away at me this week too. I really don't know how to act anymore. I think my mom and I are both on edge and stressed out. Things that would have seemed funny before are "not funny" now. I find myself doing things I wouldn't normally do. Nothing crazy of course, just acting differently. I don't mean to but the anxiety of the change going on around is really getting to me, and it REALLY frustrates me when my mom told me that "wasn't an excuse". I would think that out of all people she would know how hard this is for me, and what I have been through recently.

Ugh, bottom line: This is just much harder on me emotionally than I had anticipated.





Well, I don't want to end this on a bad note soo... HAPPY SNOW DAY! :)